Reprinted from recoilmag.com, July 2005 issue
Pinconning, Mich. — A historic collegiate achievement was realized Friday when a medium-sized cardboard box containing a half-dozen rocks received a Bachelors Degree of Science in Business and Marketing from University of Phoenix Online, a popular online college. “Congratulations! You’ve graduated!” the box of rocks was informed by e-mail following the completion of the course’s final exam. “Welcome to the exciting world of Business/Marketing! Click here to register for a Masters Degree from University of Phoenix Online, the nation’s leading University for working professionals.”
According to sources, the box of rocks had been able to obtain its degree online in only three years and without having to seek a leave of absence from its current job at a Pinconning residence, where for five years it has been solely responsible for stopping a porch’s screen door from opening all of the way.
The event marked a milestone for the inanimate object, which had previously received no formal education via public schooling or private vocational training. University of Phoenix public relations director Kyle Rise refused to disclose the cumulative grade point average earned by the box of rocks, but confirmed that it had indeed earned passing marks in all of the courses required to receive a diploma from the atypical school.
“That a box of rocks was able to earn its degree through the University of Phoenix’s online program is proof positive that anyone or anything – regardless of social class, cognitive ability or financial resources – can, through hard work and persistence, earn a college degree,” said Rise. Rise speculated that news of the box of rocks’ achievement could spark increased enrollment among demographics previously absent from the University’s student body, such as bags of hammers, telephone poles and other similar objects.